Alistair Ripley is a British-born businessman/mobster who is the leader of World's Ultimate Chocolate, a company that produces chocolate bars for school fundraisers, but which turns out to also be a front for an organized crime syndicate.
When J. Edgar Hoover Elementary School is hosting a candy fundraiser sponsored by World's Ultimate Chocolate, Riley decides to resell the candy bars for his own personal profit, with the help of some of his classmates. The WUC retaliate by sending English gangsters to scare the children away from the chocolate trafficking business.
Riley, Cindy, and Ed III decide to directly confront Ripley and his thugs at a shady hotel. When Ripley tries to order them to submit to his reign, Riley rebukes him with a series of "fuck you" rants, which pisses him off. However a group of Italian-American Mafiosi barge into the room, and they shoot Ripley to death. And this is soon followed by a bloody shootout between the WUC, the Mafia, and the FBI.
- Alistair Ripley is voiced by Greg Ellis, who also voices a few other unnamed British characters.
- Alistair and his goons seem to be inspired by British gangsters from crime films directed by Guy Ritchie. Riley even alludes to this by saying "fuck Guy Ritchie" while insulting Ripley.
- "The Fundraiser" (only appearance)